Less organized, less structured, more me, more honest
Impact English 2008:
I had ac, I had beds, I had hot water (most of the time), I had toilets, but what made it feel like the world was stripped away? What made corporate worship on Sunday at BICF so sweet? What made it feel like I was living in the world where the music faded away?
What wasn’t there was the American culture, my family, my home friends, my computer, my school, my busy work, the bubble I created and stayed in to keep me comfortable. Not bad things in and of itself, but when used to sustain me, when used to keep me going day to day, when it was used to hold me over until the next day where I could do the same exact thing, that is when it was, dare I say, sinful.
My desire is to go back so that I wouldn’t be in the bubble here, but what I fear is that all I will do in a few months is create my own China bubble.
I still haven’t totally adjusted yet back and that is probably because I don’t want to? I don’t know. I want to be exhausted at the end of everyday, I want to be in a group of goal oriented people, I want to go through the struggles of trying to minister to people who don’t want to hear it, I want to be able to be some king of encouragement to those that have not been blessed with what I have been blessed with, I want to speak people who actually want to hear what you are saying and not people who just want to humiliate you and fill their own pride. I want what God wants, but I fear my heart is far from honestly chasing after God’s own heart.
When there is a group that is set on the same goal, when they all have a focus, it’s hard to be distracted. I’m not saying we had a perfect team, or if there is even such a thing, but even with the imperfections noticeable it’s still easier when everyone is focused on the same direction.
Often times I hear things, I read things, I see things and they inspire me, they give me some insight that I may never have seen or clarified a thought that I couldn’t clarify on my own, but then a day later, 20 mins later, 2 mins later I forget what it was. What happened in between that made me forget? Pride. Often times when I receive that insight, clarification I have conditioned myself to convert it to a “What can I tell people about this, how can I teach this to someone, how can I make this sound powerful?” Where is the meditation, where is the self-examination, where is the self application? It is lost amongst the pride, it is lost amongst the busy work I make my brain do when a thought comes into my head. How do I need to remember these things, how do I need to be sanctified constantly, by examining myself and not looking at pleasing man, man will be grow not from non-practiced ideas, but will grow from what is applied, what is truly lived out. I can only go so far if I come with only ideas, but to live a life that is sanctified will naturally edify fellowship.
Psalm 90:12-17, Psalm 91, Isaiah 40:28-31, Jeremiah 9:23-24
I might change sites